Let’s start with the fact that I don’t know much about this myself, but I’m discovering more and more each day. I’m new to this, new to dealing with the condition and definitely new to living with this throughout the day. I still haven’t figured out how much effect this has on me, but if my few months of experience count, I can say pretty much. Even then, there are some things I would like to tell you.
There will be days when everything will be going fine, but you will still find me pacing around for absolutely no reason. You will find that I have turned quiet all of a sudden or the fact that the twitch in my fingers has returned once again.
There will be times when nothing you say will matter to me even though it will be the most sensible thing to say. I want you to know that anxiety doesn’t understand logic. It isn’t a wall that you break down and it isn’t a mountain that you climb. Anxiety doesn’t have a target or a goal, anxiety just needs to pass. Every anxious experience is going to be new for me so don’t tell me that if I dealt with it previously, it isn’t going to be difficult to deal with again.
There will be moments where you’ll find me obsess over things. They might be the littlest things but don’t tell me I’m being ridiculous because I probably know that already. I will overthink and over-analyze every situation in my head and worry about things that haven’t even happened yet. The darkness of ‘what ifs’ will cloud my judgment more often than you think but don’t ask me to ‘snap out of it’.
I may ask a lot of questions, but that’s not because I don’t trust you. It’s because of a deep-rooted insecurity that the past might repeat itself for me. I will feel like a mess even when things seem great. It isn’t always easy for me to control my inner voice that always tells me I’m not going to be good enough. I will be troubled by my own thoughts but I don’t know how to make it stop.
When it comes to our relationship, I will overplay every bad situation even if there’s nothing to worry about. I will think about every minute detail that could possibly go wrong and I know that doesn’t seem appealing.
But mostly, I would like to thank you for accepting me as I am. I would like to thank you for not blaming me for feeling this way. I would like to thank you for understanding that I can be a handful sometimes and still love me.